Offensive Jokes
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed class uses it
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along
with... "a recipe"
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... "
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this... "
Old Timers Sex
An elderly couple is enjoying a nice meal together at a local diner.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you
leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having
a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks...
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence...
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning
and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life, love and old age that he didn't
know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing,
I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply...
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'.
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