"G" Jokes
George Carlin Classic Quotes
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.
4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
5. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as
ghosts but as mattresses?
6. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
7. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation? And is it suicide or murder?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
20. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Golfer Mourning
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in
prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have
ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well ... We were married 35 years."
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