Captain Obvious
Car Sex
Cat Helmet
Coke Head
Crack Of Dawn

Captain Bravo

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the bright frock, he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships.

The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck, recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied: "If l am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus you men will continue to resist, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.

At dawn the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.

The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

Cat Diary

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage...

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait... It is only a matter of time.

Croatians

You Know You're Croatian When...

1. You are never ever allowed to sit by an open window for fear of catching pneumonia from the "propuh" (even in the middle of summer)

2. No one can pronounce your last name and every kid on the block has a nickname for it

3. Vegetarianism is not a concept your parents understand

4. English words are acceptable if used with the ending "A-T-I" which makes them Croatian... "play-ati", "study-ati" "shop-iti" "pick-ati"

5. At least one family member makes his own wine

6. Lunch on Sundays have more courses than Americans have for Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner

7. You live with your parents until you are married

8. Mama thinks that whenever you get sick it's because you didn't eat enough

9. When upset, it isn't unusual for Tata to send you "u pizdu materinu"

10. You never got the "Birds and the Bees" talk from Mama and Tata as you were growing up

11. Your Nana and Dido wear at least 3 layers of clothing in all seasons

12. Your relatives in Croatia think it's strange if you are not married by the age of 18

13. A Croatian wedding consists of a minimum of 1000 people, 2/3 of which you don't even know

14. Your cousin in Croatia who calls you to send him money had a cell phone before you and wears only name brand clothing