Baked Bean Story
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He
putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive
home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!". She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just
started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each
time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.
After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.
Balls
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following
results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your
balls become.
Bank Deposit
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want
to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood
you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of
her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to
foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the
damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank,
okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Birds And The
Bees
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced "I
have learned from a boy at school where babies come from."
Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... Okay! The mommy and daddy take off all their
clothes and the daddy's thing sort of stands up and then the mommy puts it in
her mouth and has to suck it a lot like a lollipop and then it sort of explodes
and that's it! That's where babies come from!"
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye, and said,
"Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where
jewelry comes from."
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